Stone Cold

12 October 1978

 

 

 

She's stone cold now

when she wants to be,

or perhaps I am finally free

of what I hoped she'd be

with me.

 

For this was a love affair

of the heart.

The kind I can't endure again.

And now I wonder why

I set up the foundation

that she so quickly built upon

to keep our bodies apart.

 

Now, I am cooler myself, yet

I could rape her today in certain ways.

But wishes are lies and I see them.

Fooling oneself at love is the crucial mistake.

 

She never said or promised more

than the stone cold time

we shared together.

 

I dream sometimes of our love bed.

A foolish thought for my age and this time and place.

But my heart demands it and will not set me free

of her.

 

Perhaps to love her once:

slow, torturous love

with full note of what I've done

would change the scene

but as I write, the lid slips off

and so easily I could crawl at her feet.

 

It's a sin, I know

to be so full of one sided love.

A love with no room to grow.

Hemmed in by her family

and mine.

 

Always I in love with her

or maybe only in love

with the wish

she was in love with me.

 

Maybe that's what I've wanted all along.

For her to offer herself

on some hectic day

and to retreat in silence

to the dark, cool of our sin.

Sweet sin with

smiles evoked.

 

It's a beast that only is tamable.

It will not die.

 

Up for air today, the beast.

I guess, I can not repress it anymore.

 

Friends, what more than friends?

To love you. To have you feel me

deep inside.

To take me lovingly into your month

and desire my body.

 

Foul thoughts.

She said we had evil

and we do.

 

I could rape her

if I had the nerve.

Don't know what it would do.

Quiet?

Calm?

Or release other monsters

well hidden.

 

Perhaps the storm abates.

I feel a climax almost.

 

I could curse you

loath you.

Call you names.

But in the end

our love making would be heaven.

 

A kiss is what I got.

A short fat hug.

A certain smile, like

"Why do you come here?"

"There is nothing here for you".

 

And she is right.

My god she is right.

Back beast,

down.

Only a lust,

a demand unfulfilled.

To make love?

What hell is this?

Why does it resurface

and come

again and again?

 

Perhaps I will move

or she

to some far off place

and finally

I guess,

she or I

will die.

 

I wonder though

if the beast will be even gone then?

Is it something borne

of a time were we were

frustrated lovers

in a future now long past?

It must be so.

 

There is more here

but dam, it's me, my thoughts

my desires, my views,

and not shared that I write.

 

Out !

Revert to stone.

Stone cold and leave me alone.

Bar the door,

lock it away.

Prevent my downfall.

 

I think of sending these words to you

but why torment myself?

You would only sigh and wish

you had never met me.

Why can't he understand?

Why doesn't he see?

Why won't he go away?

I shut my eyes to him.

 

You had places soft in you once

for me.

Not on equal terms, I know,

but mother, sister, woman friend, soul wife

why do I hate

and love you so?

 

Could I fuck you once

and be done with it?

 

No.

And again, in this time

we are not allowed

 

See!

See how I try to release to pen and paper.

Only a dry fuck.

 

For sure,

understand my desire

to release you from my memory

my heart

my soul.

To cut you out.

 

I can't understand

can't handle

a stone cold wall between us.

 

For you are stone cold now

when you want to be,

or perhaps I am finally free

of what I hoped you'd be

with me.