“Stone Cold”
12 October 1978
She's stone cold
now
when she wants to
be,
or perhaps I am
finally free
of what I hoped
she'd be
with me.
For this was a love
affair
of the heart.
The kind I can't
endure again.
And now I wonder
why
I set up the
foundation
that she so quickly
built upon
to keep our bodies
apart.
Now, I am cooler
myself, yet
I could rape her
today in certain ways.
But wishes are lies
and I see them.
Fooling oneself at
love is the crucial mistake.
She never said or
promised more
than the stone cold
time
we shared together.
I dream sometimes
of our love bed.
A foolish thought
for my age and this time and place.
But my heart
demands it and will not set me free
of her.
Perhaps to love her
once:
slow, torturous
love
with full note of
what I've done
would change the
scene
but as I write, the
lid slips off
and so easily I
could crawl at her feet.
It's a sin, I know
to be so full of
one sided love.
A love with no room
to grow.
Hemmed in by her
family
and mine.
Always I in love
with her
or maybe only in
love
with the wish
she was in love
with me.
Maybe that's what
I've wanted all along.
For her to offer
herself
on some hectic day
and to retreat in
silence
to the dark, cool
of our sin.
Sweet sin with
smiles evoked.
It's a beast that
only is tamable.
It will not die.
Up for air today,
the beast.
I guess, I can not
repress it anymore.
Friends, what more
than friends?
To love you. To have you feel me
deep inside.
To take me lovingly
into your month
and desire my body.
Foul thoughts.
She said we had
evil
and we do.
I could rape her
if I had the nerve.
Don't know what it
would do.
Quiet?
Calm?
Or release other
monsters
well hidden.
Perhaps the storm
abates.
I feel a climax
almost.
I could curse you
loath you.
Call you names.
But in the end
our love making
would be heaven.
A kiss is what I
got.
A short fat hug.
A certain smile,
like
"Why do you
come here?"
"There is
nothing here for you".
And she is right.
My god she is
right.
Back beast,
down.
Only a lust,
a demand unfulfilled.
To make love?
What hell is this?
Why does it
resurface
and come
again and again?
Perhaps I will move
or she
to some far off
place
and finally
I guess,
she or I
will die.
I wonder though
if the beast will
be even gone then?
Is it something
borne
of a time were we
were
frustrated lovers
in a future now
long past?
It must be so.
There is more here
but dam, it's me,
my thoughts
my desires, my
views,
and not shared that
I write.
Out !
Revert to stone.
Stone cold and
leave me alone.
Bar the door,
lock it away.
Prevent my
downfall.
I think of sending
these words to you
but why torment
myself?
You would only sigh
and wish
you had never met
me.
Why can't he
understand?
Why doesn't he see?
Why won't he go
away?
I shut my eyes to
him.
You had places soft
in you once
for me.
Not on equal terms,
I know,
but mother, sister,
woman friend, soul wife
why do I hate
and love you so?
Could I fuck you once
and be done with it?
No.
And again, in this time
we are not allowed
See!
See how I try to
release to pen and paper.
Only a dry fuck.
For sure,
understand my
desire
to release you from
my memory
my heart
my soul.
To cut you out.
I can't understand
can't handle
a stone cold wall
between us.
For you are stone
cold now
when you want to
be,
or perhaps I am
finally free
of what I hoped
you'd be
with me.