Tuesday, 5 August 2003



GARY.  Sure, give me his email address.  Probably will only be when right mood hits me but like the Boy Scouts, be prepared.  Priscilla and I sitting in garage the other day, I working on Jeff's car and taking a break smoking a cigarette and she and I talking and I found one of her sewing pins on the garage floor and she thought she might like to scratch her name into the paint of her car which sits about 4 feet away from my smoking chairs there.  Apparently the mood hit or was close to hit.  Like (3) 7's coming up on a slot machine which is always good and even better if they are all the same color.  In the mood.  Really should explore "mood" more.  Not sure what "mood" is?  Still working on identifying other stuff on the inside or attaching labels to them.  Now can tell someone else I am feeling frustration or overwhelmed as I have learned the feeling I am having carries that "name".  So ignorant so long on names for emotions or feelings.  Anxiety.  Still do not feel that one very often but sometimes.  Panic attack.  Had not clue that was what was experiencing.  Thought it some form of blood sugar level imbalance.  Spike, shake, breathe taker. Anyway, now know "panic attack" which I do not care for.  Still experimenting with creating periodic chart of emotions, feelings.  Difference between the 2?  Except has to almost be 3 dimensional model.  Maybe some sort of Venn (sp) diagram of overlapping circles, where overwhelmed overlaps frustration and anger.  Like anger can be created by the combination, a dash of overwhelm and frustration. 

No more discussion of genius.  You think what you want but I know myself.

Watched Solaris, the movie, the other night on video and terrible, terrible movie with George Clooney.  Remake of Russian sci-fi movie made in the late 60's or early 70's which I caught at art theater in Washington.  Really like that version.  Anyway, it was not about space cowboys which so much sci-fi is about and especially liked how main character, psych, go to the orbiting station around a planet called Solaris.  He just sort of went out into his backyard, climbed up into this kids playhouse in this tree and closed his eyes and seemed to mediate and then, boom, he was on the station.  No rocket ship tin can or wormhole stuff. 

When I was in Arizona on and off during the mid 70's I would wander the desert like some Christ.  The desert is a strange place as the life forms there are different than around here and the whole feel of the place is a little alien.  Anyway, my soul, my mind, my awareness, would expand considerably there.  Here seems like about 6 feet is the range.  Elevators are always too tight.  Others overlap my space and makes me feel uncomfortable.  Anyway, sometimes, my mind will "let go" of the constraints I placed on it from being around here.  In the desert, my mind, awareness, seemed to fill acres and the desert, for acres, knew I was there and welcomed me.  Anyway, sometimes, when I am in the mood, my mind will be released of this place and time, this reality and I will be in transit or be someplace else, a very long way away from here.  In some very distance region of the universe.  And sometimes, I can almost feel a "handshake", a "hello", a contact there.  Not in any conventional sense.  But an awareness like in the desert.  A different life form, a different outside the confines of my engrained history, formed pathways, perceptions, fixed logic.  I guess the point being that after reading about all sorts of future space ships (tin cans with a firecracker at one end), never going to get anywhere in those things.  Even at 99% speed of light, most places too far for weekend visit.  And so, I pretty sure, sometime, somewhere, perhaps in the future, contact will be established via my "mind drift\expansion" "mood".  Right now, I can let myself go and be pretty far out there.  Deep space, between galaxies.  Thinking about it, maybe I move further each time.  But sure there is a "handshake" to be had.  And sure, there are "others" out there expanding and moving or looking or feeling around for me, us too.  No tin can.  Just across the border, over the river, just on the other side of the mountain, down the block, around the bend, over the next hill.

Ever go there? 

Your Dad gave me a book once as he was always doing and this one called, "Coming Awake in the Milky Way" or something like that.  Awaking up.  The book was not what I thought it was although I read it.  It was science history.

I suspect not all that different than hearing God or Holly Spirit.  Self delusion certainly a possibility and I certainly would not tell therapist or psych about my galactic journeys or longings for galactic journeys. 

Think I have told you before, but this place, this earth, is not my home.  Feel it, know it.  I from some future place, far, far away.  Not sure if I tripped and fell off the boat and landed here or if I got myself here through some "mood" and now can not remember how to get back or what.

Ever have a flying dream?  They are the best.  Floating about the trees, light and free.  Trouble is, once the thought enters me head up there, like how, how am I doing this, I drift to the ground and then can not remember what I had to do or think or "mood" to cause me to drift around above to begin with.  Maybe that is my problem now.  I drifted from some galaxy far away and then something happened and now I stuck here and can not remember what "mood" I must have, place I must be in my head, to get back.  Definitely the future.

Told you that I actually called myself from the future on New Years Day, 2001.  Phone call early in the morning, saying "Hello Ron, Happy 3001, oops, 2001". End of message.  Actually happened.  Not a dream.

"Home".  Can almost feel it.  So much more peaceful than here.  So much more calm, so much more integrated. Longings to be there sometimes are very strong.  When in "mood'  I out there, in-between places, deep space.  Alone, stretching the me, I, to touch and be touched.  "Handshake".  "Hello", "Welcome back".  "Finally". "We have been waiting for you".  Gigahertz and vibration of water molecules.  Bent time around worm holes and rotation everywhere. 

Sanity.  Need to adjust my sanity.  Need to allow myself to adjust my sanity.

First place I ever worked as an engineer, they had this giant, air conditioned room which contained a giant Raytheon computer.  Probably as powerful as some watches or cell phones now, but back then, big stuff for a company to have their own computer in-house.  Anyway, this computer had a control panel with lights and dials and such, not like metal box computers today.  Anyway, one dial, the DIAL, controlled the crystal heartbeat of the entire computer.  Usually it was set at 70 nanoseconds or whatever but then there would be days that the computer just would not work at 70 and so some guy, the heart specialist, would have to turn this dial, either up or down a very, very little bit.

I need to find my dial and adjust my sanity.  I too sane.  There is too much stuff at the fringe I just not seeing, feeling, touching, hearing, smelling because my crystal heart beat not set correctly.  All those "programs" just I want to run, will not run at current settings.

Just some slight adjustment and my mental, mind flying will move me another 20,000 or 200,000 light years further out or slip and slide my.....

ownf[oqwnf[ownf[oaeno[aenrv......Fellow up the street just came by with some new white corn on the cob for us AND a new battery charger he bought some time back which never worked from day one but because he has had it for so long, store would not take it back and so perhaps I could look at it.  Well, 4 sheet metal screws later, obvious wire dangling and obvious where it goes  and so connect and 4 sheet metal screws later, charger appears to be operating fine.  A success.

Battery.  I need a bigger battery, like the tin can needs a bigger firecracker stuck up its butt.

Skew, slide off to one side or the other, stand on my head.  Need to allow stuff at the fringe in.  The shadows.

In the background, the computer here is playing the main theme song from the movie "Pay it Forward".  Ever see it?  Not a bad movie but could have been more.  Like the concept though and the music is from Thomas Newman.  The title of the tune, theme is "Possibilities".  No words.  Playing over and over again on computer here.  I get like that sometimes.  Looping a tune until it changes some pathways inside my head.

Well, I sure have "been there and back".  Glad battery charger showed up and maybe a small, easy success, which I needed after Jeff car sunroof fix wars which has been going on for days now.

Still need to complete new awning wiring strap down but another day.  Awning works now with push of button and no extension cord required and so functionally ok.  Wire strapping is cosmetic and thus down the list.

Somehow....I do not feel finished with this.  Maybe it is the looping "Possibilities" theme in the background.

See where movie about group of people who bore to the center of the earth to reignite some nuclear heat source there is coming to DVD rental.  Sometimes I would truly like to bore into the center of my own head or the head of others.  "Walk in my shoes", stuff.

Did you ever see the movie "PI".  Fellow playing with supercomputer chips to predict stock market but stumbles onto the true name of God or so a weird group of numerology Jews think.  Anyway, this fellow suffers from terrible headaches and throughout movie, you see him envisioning taking an electric drill to his temple to drill out the headache.  I am not suggesting that, a mental probe, drill, look around.  Mind meld like Dr Spook in Star Trek could do.  Truly join your mind with that of another and feel what they feel and have access to their memories and they to yours.  What a fucking mess that would be AND interesting.

"Handshake".  Alien handshake would be a mind meld of a sort.  In some dimension we not used to, in some form, we not used to, in some time period, we not used to. 

Talking to Priscilla about recent dream where Holly Ghost or some one similar or higher power gave me a good talking to.  Said I not responsible for the world and that I had carried enough, long enough.  I was not Christ and or God and should not feel that I have to do stuff for everyone.


Well, Priscilla came home and then phone call from fellow with battery charger and now Murray, my friend, is due here any moment and thus must go even if "not done", whatever that means.

Ron, the Grand Pooh Pah 


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